It was during my first trip to Nashville (Fall of 2015) that I noticed the cranes. I was traveling solo in my new role as manager and I was in town for less than 18 hours before I had to fly back home to California. My uber driver that morning pointed them out to me, graciously, knowing that it was my first time viewing the downtown skyline. He joked that the cranes were officially being called the city's official bird because they were literally taking over the scene. I laughed (partly because I thought it was funny) and mostly because I was amused at myself for not seeing them before or giving them a second thought in the other cities I frequented. From then on, I recalled this bit of information with most of the uber drivers I had whenever I returned to Nashville. In July 2016, I found myself back, (my third -exhausting- time that year), at my fave lunch spot, and there they were, the 5th/6th one I had come across that day. I managed to snap this following image in their overbearing splendor not knowing I'd write about them months later:

Coincidently, weeks later, Solange dropped her album "A Seat at the Table" and "Cranes in the Sky" became THAT track for me. C'monnn. How was I gonna deny my experiences? If you know me, I mean, if you really know me, you'd know synchronicity is my life. My friends love to poke fun about my sentimental personality (ya'll know who you are).

"I tried to drink it away, I tried to put one in the air. I tried to dance it away, I tried to change it with my hair."

-- Check. Check. Check. All of the above.

"I tried to work it away (but that just made me even sadder). I tried to keep myself busy, I ran around in circles, think I'd make myself dizzy. I slept it away. I sexed it away. I read it away...

I traveled 70 states. Thought moving around would make me feel better. I tried to let go my lover. Thought if I was alone, then maybe I could recover. To write it away. I'll cry it away.

Away. "

-_______-

There I was, listening to my life mirrored in song. And it was so beautiful, and sad, delicate and raw, and filled with truth, soul. What a revelation and an awakening. The cranes in *MY* sky were finally coming into their own focus and I couldn't escape them any longer. To top it all off, I was just parting ways with one of my biggest distractions -- grad school. What was I supposed to do now?

I knew I was dealing (struggling, even) with this for awhile now. I had been distracting myself for far too long--it was much easier to run away from my issues. Travel, work, social outings, social media, f'in social media (the bane of my existence, and yet a source of my livelihood), other people, guys I was dating, Netflix, Jameson and Gingers. I couldn't sleep at night because I was so anxious, I couldn't deal. I don't think I ever allowed myself to feel, process, or to heal in my entire adult life. It was always on to the next one. A quick glance of my Instagram feed would give you an idea of how I was living my life. Some things needed to give. And trust you me, I've learned that this is only the beginning of a lifelong battle.

Juxtaposed to my other favorite song of escape-- Kanye's "Runaway" (I could listen to both for hours on end) I feel like Solange has me going in the right direction, perhaps leading me back to myself? Leading me back to my truth.

What do I do now?

continued... [part 2]

news + notes

pt. 1 "cranes in the sky"